Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
We have women in the military but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
The secret of life is, there ain't no secret.
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
"Too many virgins in one place skews the peripheral vision and the everyday conversation. It's just not normal."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."
"Whence come I and whither go I? That is the great unfathomable question, the same for every one of us. Science has no answer to it."
"Competition is a by-product of productive work, not its goal. A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others."
"A little rebellion now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world."
"1935 will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future."
"We have tamed lightning and used it to teach sand to think."
"A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none."
"You can have Peace, or you can have Freedom. Don't ever count on having both at the same time."
"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and quietly strangled."
"If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; and may posterity forget that ye were our contrymen."
"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."
"The creationists have this creator who is evil, who is small-minded, who is malevolent, and who is not very bright and can't even get his science right. Creationists have made their creator in their own image, in my view."
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off."
"You are in Wyoming and we don't give a damn how things are done elsewhere."
"Enjoy your job, work within the law, make lots of money : Choose any two."
"And so a lot of people say there's too much personal freedom. When personal freedom's being abused, you have to move to limit it. That's what we did in the announcement I made last weekend on the public housing projects, about how we're going to have weapon sweeps and more things like that to try to make people safer in their communities."
If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the
same mistakes, only sooner.
- - - Tallulah Bankhead
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have
the strength.
- - - Flip Wilson
If I had my life to live over again, I'd dare to make more mistakes
next time.
- - - Nadine Stair
Life's a journey, not a destination.
- - - aerosmith "Amazing"
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.
- - - Richard Bach
The greatest pleasure in life is to do what people say you cannot
do.
- - - Walter Bagehot
Life itself is a quotation.
- - - Jorge Luis Borges
The Internet is so big, so powerful and so pointless that for some
people it is a complete substitute for life.
- - - Andrew Brown
You can't get out of life alive.
- - - Les Brown
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
- - - Pearl S. Buck
One life - a little gleam of Time between two Eternities.
- - - Thomas Carlyle
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we
give.
- - - Winston Churchill
Life is nothing without friendship.
- - - Cicero
That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.
- - - Emily Dickinson "poem no. 1741"
The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see
nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know
them when they are gone.
- - - George Elliot
Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself.
- - - Erich Fromm "Man for Himself"
Life is just one damn thing after another.
- - - Elbert Hubbard
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.
- - - Danny Kaye
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
- - - Helen Keller
Life isn't a matter of milestones but of moments.
- - - Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.
- - - Soren Kierkegaard
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life;
love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.
- - - Martin Luther King, Jr.
There comes a time when it lies within a man's grasp to shape the
clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the
weak blame parents, the times, lack of good fortune, or quirks of
fate.
- - - Louis L'Amour
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
- - - Fran Lebowitz
The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they
cease to love.
- - - William Somerset Maugham
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another. It is
the same damn thing over and over.
- - - Edna St. Vincent Millay
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the
hardest.
- - - Wilson Mizner
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
- - - Ogden Nash
Life is a cement trampoline.
- - - Howard Nordberg
Life is for each man a solitary cell whose walls are mirrors.
- - - Eugene O'Neill
The art of life is a constant readjustment to our surroundings.
- - - Kakuzo Okakaura
Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch.
- - - David A.Schmaltz
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
- - - Charles M. Schultz
Life does not cease to be funny when people die; any more than
it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
- - - George Bernard Shaw
The unexamined life is not worth living.
- - - Socrates
If I had my life to live over again, I'd dare to make more mistakes
next time.
- - - Nadine Stair
Life's aspirations come in the guise of children.
- - - Rabindrinath Tagore
We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.
- - - Jean Toomer
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then
success is sure.
- - - Mark Twain
Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to
work and to play and to look up at the stars.
- - - Henry VanDyke
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite
of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith
is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not
death, it's indifference.
- - - Elie Wiesel
Love of country is like love of woman--he loves her best who seeks
to bestow on her the highest good.
- - - - Felix Adler
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
- - - - János Arany
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.
- - - - Burt Bacharach / Hal David
The love you take is equal to the love you make.
- - - - The Beatles "The End"
Love is very patient,
Love is very kind,
Love is never envious
Or vaunted up with pride.
- - - - Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breath and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
- - - - Elizabeth Barrett Browning "Sonnets from the Portuguese"
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a girl and discovering
that she looks like a haddock.
- - - - John Barrymore
Of all the pain, the greatest pain,
Is to love, but to love in vain.
- - - - Abraham Cowley
Love is a power too strong to be overcome by anything but flight.
- - - - Miguel de Cervantes
Love does not consist in gazing at each-other but in looking together
in the same direction.
- - - - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- - - - Robert Frost
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly
he turns on you with a miniature machine-gun.
- - - - Matt Groening
Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles
in our lives.
- - - - Louise Hay
There is nothing holier, in this life of ours, than the first
consciousness of love --the first fluttering of its silken wings.
- - - - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
- - - - Maria Lovell "Ingomar the Barbarian"
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- - - - H. L. Mencken
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing
to draw blood in its defense.
- - - - Mark A. Overby
Love and dignity cannot share the same abode.
- - - - Ovid
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and
it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
- - - - Dorothy Parker
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
- - - - George Bernard Shaw "John Bull's Other Island"
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will.
- - - - James Taylor "Shower the People"
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes
a habit.
- - - - Peter Ustinov
Love begets love, love knows no rules, this is the same for all.
- - - - Virgil